Oh, fellow readers. It’s been so long since I’ve written. It’s most unfortunate because of how much I love writing…sometimes I have to be reminded of that. It’s hard to write for fun sometimes, ya know? I’ve been so busy writing papers upon papers for school. I’m graduating in 19 days, so there is so much that I need to finish. For example, the capstone I should be working on right now. But tonight I’m going to write for myself and then maybe write a little for my professor, but I’m putting myself first. *Insert the “desk worker” emoji that I named Tanya over a year ago.*
Tonight’s theme: I’m not sure, yet. We’ll see what happens as I write. I had a them and typed about 200 words and then decided I didn’t want to talk about that topic anymore. So here we are.
Life is weird, y’all. I think that when I was a little girl, I assumed that by the time I was 21 I would know all the things. Well, here I am at 21 and I don’t know as much as I once thought I would. Let me give you an example:
Earlier today, I decided to go for a run because that’s what adults do to take care of themselves. After my run I resolved to cook dinner because that’s also what adults do to take care of themselves. They exercise and they cook, I’m sure it’s in a handbook on adulthood somewhere. Well…as I was preparing my meal, as any mature 21 year old should be able to due, a piece of food fell under the burner and it started to smoke. I turned down the heat of the burner and turned on the fan above the stove. Naturally, that didn’t work because the piece of food caught on fire and a flame began to grow. In a state of panic, I started to yell “Fire! Fire! There’s a fire! I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do! I ACTUALLY don’t know what to do!”
I just stood there. Literally. My mind went blank and I watched the flame blaze. I’m sure I looked pretty stupid just gazing at the fiery stove as if it were an art exhibit at a museum. Fortunately, 2 of my roommates were in the living room and they came to my rescue. Actually, one of my roommates turned off the burner and the other took a picture of me in all my frantic glory. We all laughed after everything calmed down and the burning smell dissipated. *Oh, I know what direction this post is going to go in now!* As the kitchen began to clear I kept saying, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.” I did this for two reasons: 1) Because I’m an ENFP & I can’t help but to apologize for things extensively. 2) I felt like I should’ve known what to do. I’m 21, I’m a senior in college, I know my way around the kitchen well enough. It’s not ridiculous to assume that I would know how to handle that situation. But I didn’t know…I needed help.
I wish that I could say that this post is really just a lesson on what to do if you catch your stove on fire, but it’s not. As I continue to type, I realize it’s deeper than that. It’s deeper because tonight’s little event has made me realize that there are a lot of things that I don’t know and that scares me. It scares me because I want to know them. I want to know them because I want to prove that I’m okay and capable. I want to prove that I’m good at x and therefore can do y.
They say that comparison kills, expectations crush, and I say that they’re right. But I also say that there’s nothing wrong with ignorance if you’re willing to learn. I don’t use ignorance in a negative way, but rather in the form of it’s true definition: a lack of knowledge or information. There are several things that I am ignorant of. Even as a 21 year old senior in college, there is so much I don’t know. There’s also so much that I think that I know, but actually don’t. I learned that this past week.
I’m really good at overthinking and overanalyzing just about everything. I do this because I allow my ignorance to guide me. With that comes a false sense of reality–I’m really good at creating monstrous situations in my head, when they’re actually small teddy bears that might have a ripped seam. But instead of being patient and trying to learn the information I lack, I make up what I think to be true and then act rashly on that. And that’s exhausting. So incredibly exhausting. And quite frankly, I don’t have time to be exhausted so often, ya know?
Altering ignorance doesn’t happen over night.
Altering ignorance requires patience.
Altering ignorance is a sign of maturity.
Y’all, I don’t know a lot of things. But I do know that I can’t keep acting out of ignorance. I’m about to be done with school forever and I’m scared and I really don’t know all the details of what’s going to happen after I walk across the stage. So, I’m talking to myself when I say this, but feel free to listen in:
It’s okay to not have all of the answers. It’s okay to take time to learn them.
It’s okay to be scared, but you can’t let that fear control you.
It’s okay to want to be competent, but that competence does not make up you’re identity as a worthy human.
God is not angry with you for being ignorant.
He wants you to seek Him first and glean His wisdom.
He begs you to look toward Him when you’re scared.
He yearns for you to be defined by His perfect attributes.
So, I don’t know, but Lord, I want to learn.
[Jesus, will You teach me?]