Yesterday, my cousin Jonathan asked me if I was still writing. I told him that I was, while knowing that it had been a while since I had written something for other people to read. Well, without further ado:
Post Grad Duck #9
I’ve heard stories about you
And I thought they’re too good to be true
But I wanna believe in something
I saw the way that you moved
Your life, it blows me away
It touched me down deep inside
& I’m changed
I like the way that you call me
The way you say my name
It breaks down all my fear and shame
But that’s when I don’t get, I don’t get your face
You stay by my side when I’m out of place
You promised me that you won’t let go
But doubting’s too easy, and I forget what’s true
I don’t always see what you see in me
But something pulls me toward your love
That captures me forever; I am free
Because you haven’t forgotten me.
Every now and again, inspiration strikes and a tune pops into my head. Shortly following are random words I try to put together in order to form a coherent sentence. When everything’s done, I guess what I’ve created is somewhat of a song…or a poem. It depends on how you look at it. This sequence has happened 3 times over the past 3 months and the words above are lyrics to the 3rd song I’m working on. It’s been the hardest one to complete. I think this is because it’s a personal experience that I haven’t quite finished experiencing yet.
Let me explain. And to do so, let’s go back in time the pre-teenaged years. Around this time, birthday’s were full of excitement (I mean, they still are, but a child like excitement is often unparalleled). Between the ages of 7-13 we were promised party hats, balloons, presents, games, and cake! I remember the first birthday I had after my family and I had moved to North Carolina. I was really excited and nervous about it. I had only been in the state for a few short months and was worried that no one was going to come to my party. I invited several of my new friends, but I was still afraid that no one was going to show up. Super excited that my mom was letting me have a party, I spent a long time making invitations and trying to think of fun things for us to do. After all, you only turn 12 once!
As it turns out, the party was a huge hit! It was supposed to be a sleepover party, but not everyone had planned to stay the night. As the party started to rear its end though, there were a few girls that called their parents and asked to stay and several girls that wished they had planned to stay the night because they were having so much fun. It was probably one of the best birthday parties I’ve ever had 🙂
I bring up that experience because it’s easy to talk about. It had a beginning, a middle, and an end. I can look back and think about exactly how I felt because of what happened. That day has not been forgotten from my memory because I was not forgotten on that day. But let’s imagine that my parents didn’t help me plan anything. Let’s say that my mom didn’t make food for the party and my dad didn’t help with the games. Let’s pretend that none of my friends showed up to my house that day. Everything would be completely different, would it not?
I feel like often times, as we go through certain circumstances in our lives, we feel like the little girl at her forgotten birthday party. We feel as though Jesus is ignoring us or that the stars are just not aligned in our favor. I know that’s most certainly how I feel. Usually, I feel like it’s my fault. I think, “Okay, Jayna. You’ve gotta fix this. Ready? Journal more! Pray more! Read your Bible more! Stop thinking so much! Do this! Do that!” If you’ve been there, you know that this mentality is fruitless and doesn’t help at all. We think that if we do a particular list of things and then avoid another list of things, we’ll be able to achieve the peace we so desperately crave. But we always fail, do we not? Why? Because those actions of ours completely ignore the beautifully painful aspect of grace.
There is a reason that Paul, the author of the majority of the New Testament, opens all his letters with “Grace and peace to you…” First comes grace and then comes peace. There is an order, an order devoid of our erroneous actions. It’s beautiful because grace removes us from the picture, but it’s painful because we so desperately want to the focal point of that picture. But we’re not, Jesus is.
Okay, Jayna. I get that. But what about the times when I’m trying to remove myself from the picture? Sometimes I still feel like the Lord has forgotten me, even though I know he hasn’t. I know it’s not about me, but that’s not always easy to remember.
Reader, you’re not alone in that. Honestly, I’m not sure what to do with those feelings because I have them too. I have them currently, to be frank about it. There are things I’m waiting for that aren’t here yet. There are relationships I want reconciled, but aren’t yet. There are dreams I have that have not been fulfilled yet. And in the midst of it all, I often say, “Father, where are You?” It’s hard. But take heart in the fact that you are not the first to feel these things. Even the apostles doubted Jesus and they literally hung out with him on a daily basis.
In a way, it’s beautiful that we’re still asking Jesus where He is. We’re still asking because I believe that deep down we expect Him to answer. Philippians 1:6 says that He who began a good work in you will complete it until that day of Jesus Christ. So, ask away. He hasn’t forgotten you, He’s working for you because He loves you.
[Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief.]