Post Grad Duck #6

The older I get, the more I begin to realize that I’m not as patient as I thought. I’d like to think that I’m good at waiting, but I realize it’s never been one of my strong suits. One time, when I was about 10 years old I was decorating a mirror to put in my locker at school. I had finally reached the age where I could have a locker and I was so excited! I stayed up late one night decorating and put the mirror the closet in my bedroom at home. I was going to take the mirror to school the next day and show it off to my friends. Well, the mirror fell from my closet shelf and I accidentally stepped on it. I wanted to salvage the decorative piece I had put at the top of the mirror and glue it onto a new mirror. Promptly, I asked my dad if he could remove the decorative piece. He said, “Not right now, Jayna. It’s too dangerous to try and pry it off. I’d cut myself. If you wait until the morning, I’ll put it on the stove and melt it off. Don’t try to pry it off yourself, just wait until morning.”

I thought that was ridiculous. He was going to make me wait until MORNING?! In my eyes, it would take just the right about of leverage to get the piece off of the mirror. It looked something like this:

now, just imagine that one of the pieces has a wooden star glued to the top, but the sharpest edge of the mirror isn't covered by the star.
Now, just imagine that one of the pieces has a wooden star glued to the top, but the sharpest edge of the mirror isn’t covered by the star.

I figured that my dad was just too tired to help me get the star off. In reality, I just really didn’t want to wait until morning. I wanted everything to be organized and ready and in place before I went to bed so that i wouldn’t have to worry about it. I took my ten year old hands and began to pry at the wooden piece. I bet you can guess what happened next. I applied pressure and my thumb slipped. And just like that, I had a decent sized gash in my thumb. I panicked because it didn’t hurt right away, but it was bleeding. I knew that this was exactly what my dad didn’t want to happen. But I was impatient. I ran to the bathroom to try and stop the bleeding, but to my surprise it didn’t slow in the slightest. (FYI: fingers bleed a lot. I mean…A LOT). I didn’t want to tell my dad what happened, but I couldn’t get the bleeding to stop, so I needed his help.
I grabbed some toilet paper, covered my thumb, went to my dad (at this point I was sobbing) and said “I’m really sorry, I was disobedient!” It’s kind of funny to me that I said those exact words, but I knew I was wrong and I had deliberately  and impatiently disobeyed my father’s instruction. There was no going around it…

Psalm 46:10 says this, “Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!”
If you’ve read my last few blog posts, you may have noticed that I’m learning a lot. I’m in a season of waiting. I think I have been since the summer started, but I didn’t realize that until now.
I’m waiting for the funds to come in for my internship.
I’m waiting for a new car. (Roofus was totaled. RIP, buddy!)
I’m waiting for reconciliation amid certain relationships
I’m waiting for answers to specific prayers not only for myself, but others as well.
I’m waiting to move to Pennsylvania & start building relationships with students
I’m waiting...

I explained it to a friend this way,

I think that I’m trying to protect myself from getting hurt if [certain things don’t happen] by saying “if this…then this…” or “i hope it happens…” It’s twisted logic because the Lord not providing [for me in the exact way I want] wouldn’t be Him hurting me, because His character has proven to be good and kind and faithful. I’ve seen that in my life. But still, I’m convinced that if I maintain control, I can keep myself from disappointment or somehow feel like I have a hand in God’s sovereignty. In reality, I’m doing more damage by holding on to my fear and trying to use what’s wounded (me) to protect myself from what’s healing (Jesus).

At RUF Intern training they tell you that hope is not a strategy. I think that when that was told to me I heard “Don’t hope!”
Hope is not a strategy because faith without works is dead, but hope is also not a strategy because works without faith is dead. Throughout the scripture we are told about the blessings that come to those that wait on the God of Salvation*. We are told about renewed strength that comes to those wait for the Lord.** We are told to be patient in tribulation.***
I think that the difference between hoping and waiting (at least as it pertains to me right now) is that waiting requires a certain level of expectancy that hope does not. I wait and I’m still because I know that He is God. As a daughter, I don’t have to hope that Jesus is who He says He is.

I want to be obedient in waiting on & for my Father. I don’t want to cut my thumb this time.

[“Be still my heart and know, (He) is God alone. Stop thinking so much & just let go.
Be still my soul & rest. Humbly I confess, in my weakness, (Lord) your strength is perfect”]
-Be Still || Steffany Gretzinger <3Amen

*photo cred: http://imgkid.com/broken-glass-shards.shtml
*Micah 7:7
**Isaiah 40:31
***Romans 12:12
Mirror Story Conclusion: My thumb bled for 4 hours and when we went to the doctor the next day, they told me that my cut was too deep for stitches. Yes, too deep. So they wrapped it up really well and I was left with this white scar.

Photo on 7-2-15 at 12.03 PM

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