post grad duck #4
there’s something really cool about a free write. there’s something really authentic and raw and real about typing and not letting your fingers stop until they’re done. i did that today and here’s what happened.
it’s seems like there’s been a block. something happened inside me that i’ve wanted to ignore, but can’t seem to just shrug off anymore because there’s a piece of my heart that’s grown and torn and ripped and been kicked a little bit and so now its in the process of healing and that’s great because as you grow life does too and your heart expands but it’s not easy it’s often really painful. but i don’t want to hurt, ya know? because no one likes that and when you’ve been hurt before you do everything in your power not to be hurt again and that’s why we put up walls, that’s why we try to act tough, that’s why we don’t say anything because if we speak up, if we falter, if we let our face indicate how we feel inside we’ll get laughed at and we’ll get beaten up a little bit and we don’t want that. but that’s no good either because we can’t live in fear, that’s not what life is about. but i want to protect myself. i don’t want to hurt, but i’m not strong enough to protect myself. i’m incapable of doing it alone and that’s why i need Jesus to save me. and i know that He’s real and i know that He loves me and i know that He exists but sometimes you can just crawl inside yourself and convince yourself that the cracks you see are too wide to fill, you can convince yourself that the bruises are too deep to dissolve and that you can’t be saved. you’re sad and sometimes it’s easy to stay sad even when you don’t want to be sad, but you can’t help it because it takes a lot of energy to move forward sometimes. so you try to scream but your voice is paralyzed and you try to cry but your tears are frozen and you try to feel but your heart is dry and you need water, you need water so badly because your veins are so thirsty for something that’s bigger than yourself. your muscles ache for a type of relief that can’t be remedied by stretching or sleeping because it’s deeper than that, it’s bigger than that. and Jesus is right there. He’s so in love with you and hates that you’re hurting, but it’s so hard to run to Him sometimes because you shame yourself for not believing Him when He’s right there. but He’s patient and you know that and so little by little you step forward because He’s pulling you towards Him. you can’t help but to move because He’s calling and so you have to answer because just maybe when you finally reach Him you’ll be overwhelmed with the love that you thought you could find elsewhere. maybe when He holds you in His arms you’ll feel whole again because He’s the only one that can cover the cracks and aid the bruises and grow a room inside you that’s only meant for dancing and laughing and signing and popsicles and lollipops and flowers. and you know that He’s not punishing you because that’s not His character, but you know the the world is broken just like you and you know that sometimes things get hard but you’re frustrated because i should have seen this coming and i was aware and this time was supposed to be different. so then He whispers and He says that you can’t know everything because it’s not your job and you’re human and I love you and I need you to trust Me because I’m right here and you can rest when you’re with Me. And that sounds great and that’s what i want but it’s hard and i keep saying but because i can’t help it to think of every side of every option of every thought because when your mind goes and won’t stop you exhaust everything. but i wanna feel and i want to cry and i want to laugh and i want to sing and i want to feel and i want lighting to strike inside and i want rain to fall and i want the earth to shake the foundation of my heart because at the end of the day i want to grow and i want to be stronger and i want to move forward and i want to stand up and i ant to admit that i’m not always okay and i want to be okay with that and it’s exciting because i know that you feel that too. i know that sometimes life is really crazy and you don’t understand why things happen or why you get upset or why you’re treated a certain way or why people hurt you or why you hurt people but you’re a beautiful creation and you’re so deeply loved and we don’t have to have it all together. it’s beautiful to be broken because that means that the Lord gets to make us whole because He’s always been whole and He wants to fix those fragmented pieces and mold them into a masterpiece because that’s who He is and we get to enjoy Him forever and glorify Him through our brokenness by admitting that when we’re weak He’s strong and we can say that we believe but need help with our unbelief and that’s amazing because that’s exactly how He wants us to talk to Him. honesty is extravagant and we shouldn’t have to hide even inside ourselves and when we feel deeply we don’t have to apologize, so we can run with blurry vision and exhausted legs and needles in our feet and faintness of breath and say “Jesus, i’m here.”