Post Grad Duck #2
I think that I thought that once I got older I wouldn’t care as much. I think I thought that once I graduated there would be certain things that wouldn’t bother me. I think I thought that when I got to a certain point in my life I wouldn’t think the same way that I used to. I think that I thought a lot of things…
I’m currently sitting in the hallway outside of my hotel room. It’s a weird location and a lot of people have walked by giving me interesting looks, but ya gotta do what you gotta do, ya know?
I’d really like to categorize how I’m feeling, but I’m not entirely sure. There are a range of emotions racing back and forth inside my head as I type. I’m both thrilled and nervous. I’m simultaneously confident and wary. I share joy and fear. Its good, to feel that is. It reminds me that I’m alive and that my insides work (the abstract insides). But while I’m all too well reminded that I’m alive, I’m also reminded that I’m a mess. We all are.
For the past week, I’ve been spending time in Atlanta, Georgia, getting both trained and oriented as preparation for my new job in the fall. I’ve met some crazy rad, super cool, beautiful people and I seriously cannot wait to see what we all have coming next! It’s been a really good week, really good; but it’s also been really hard. I’ve been a lot more challenged than I thought I was going to be. I knew going into this training that I was going to learn a lot, but I wasn’t expecting my pride to be thrown up against the wall; I wasn’t expecting my jealousy to shine on display; I wasn’t expecting my tendency to play the comparison game to be fully charged; I wasn’t expecting my fear to cripple me inwardly; I wasn’t expecting my doubt to cloud by vision…
Truthfully, I wasn’t expecting Jesus to work. But the Lord is too kind, He is too good to not work. So, this week I saw my sin and I saw it in neon, flashing in that obnoxious pattern that you can’t ignore once you’ve noticed it. Almost like the way mannequin eyes follow you around a store as you shop–once you find them, there’s no going back (Here’s to looking at you, Old Navy). Yet in the midst of all this exposure, I was met with love and grace and gentleness.
Why? Because I needed it? Well, sure, of course! But that’s not the reason. You see, it’s not about me. It’s never been about me. Love and grace and gentleness would exist and abound and freely flow in spite of, yet still completely for me. And that’s what’s really cool about all of this. Because none of this is about me, there’s nothing I can do to ruin what the Lord has established. It’s impossible. But you see, it’s taken me all week to come to this conclusion. I’ve known it, but I needed to be reminded. The reason I didn’t expect the Lord to work this week is because I’ve been so focused on myself. This job, what I’m doing, what I will be doing has little to do with me–it won’t ever have much to do with me. It has everything to do with the gospel, it has everything to do with love, and grace, gentleness, and goodness, and kindness, and faithfulness, and self control, and joy, and trust, and peace, and all the things that I can’t be or obtain without the Father.
So what does this mean? It means that I am not the center of the universe and neither are you. And y’all, that is GREAT news! It’s so beautiful because the One that is at the center of the universe has been holding it together since the beginning and will continue to do so through the end of time. It means that we’re free to fail. It means that we get to be vulnerable without shame. It means that we are imperfect that’s okay. It means that Jesus can use us and He chooses to use us regardless of our sin because it’s not about us. What a privilege and honor it is to be used by our Savior even when we’re so undeserving. How lovely it is to be told “You’re mine. I love you. I forgive you. I want you.”
I think that I thought a lot of things, but I know that I know that Jesus is good; He is sovereign; He is kind.
[ Father, I’m sorry for not trusting You to show up and doubting that You would do work this week.Thank You that despite all of that Your plan is still being accomplished. Create in me a clean heart O God, and renew a right spirit within me…restore to me the joy of your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit.
-Psalm 51:10 & 12]