Today I’m really tired. Truth be told, I’m tired most days. I’m not a morning person–and all of my friends know that too well. 😛 I really do think that mornings are a beautiful time, but I’m rarely awake early enough to enjoy them. For example, this morning, I got out of bed at approximately 8:15. I needed to leave my apartment by 8:35 to make it to work on time. So, did I take time to enjoy the sun coming through my window, the extra warmth that the covers seem to have when you wake up, or the stillness of a quiet apartment? Nope. Heck nah!
All I wanted to do was stay in bed. I wanted to roll over, cover my entire body in blankets, and slip into that slow onslaught of slumber that seems so thick and sweet in the morning. But I couldn’t do that (Well, I did…sort of. I hit my snooze button about four times before I actually got out of bed; hence my getting up at 8:15 instead of 7:30). It would have been so much easier to just ignore everything and sleep. I would’ve loved that, especially since I haven’t been sleeping very well as of late. But here’s the kicker: I knew, good and well, that once I took the effort to push off the covers, swing my legs over the bed frame, and force my body to follow, I’d be fine. I always am. Once I actually get up and start moving, I begin to forget why I didn’t get up sooner. It’s a battle, though. Every. Single. Morning. I all too easily convince myself that staying in bed and sleeping for an extra 3-15 minutes is going to make a world of difference. (*spoiler: it never does.*) I convince myself to stay put. It’s just so much easier and simpler to stay where I am. It’s comfortable. It’s warm. It’s familiar. It’s safe. I know exactly what’s going on.
But I can’t go anywhere or do anything if I don’t move…
Not unbeknownst to any of you that have read my posts before–I’m a senior and I’m graduating in May. To put it frankly, I’m pretty scared of that reality. Sure, it’s more than exciting, but like the reality beyond the covers of my bed–it’s hard to step into. Transitions are hard, ya know? Especially when you’re really diggin’ the place you’re currently in. I like college. A lot. I mean, it’s really hard and I’m completely over the academic and classroom portion of it, but I like college.
But I can’t go anywhere or do anything if I don’t graduate…
OOH I HATE THAT! (okay, not really) But why are we constantly in states of transition? Why does nothing ever seem to be permanent? Why is it that when we finally seem to get the hang of something we have to move on to the next thing?
Well, Jayna, that’s because the best is yet to come! Hang in there!
Yes, thank you. I know that. But why is it so hard to align what I know with how I feel?
BECAUSE I’M HUMAN! We’re all human. That’s why it’s so hard. Our humanity begs us to stay put. Our humanity compels us to be comfortable. Our humanity drives us toward control. Our humanity longs for familiarity. Our humanity resists transition.
(And don’t lie, y’all. Even those of you that like “new things” and “love change” still have trouble adjusting in some avenue.) Let’s just be honest with ourselves for a minute. And I think that’s what I’ve been avoiding–being honest with myself.
honesty pt. 1: I’m really tired. I’m scared to graduate. I’m not ready to really “grow up.”
honesty pt. 2: I’m human. What I’m feeling isn’t crazy. Other people feel this way too.
honesty pt. 3: I know and am 100% sure of the fact that God’s got me.
[Jesus, thanks for being exactly who You are. Help me to rest in that instead of my circumstances]