It’s almost midnight and I’m in the library. Am I working? Of course not. Why? Well, for several reasons. One of the most prominent is that I simply don’t feel like doing anymore work. The other is because my mind, per usual, is going a million miles per hour and I’m utterly distracted. And like I continually say, if you know me, you know that I think a lot. So, tonight’s thoughts center around rain, and Nick Jonas. (hence my title).
Let’s see where my mind takes me, yes?
Life, it’s a crazy thing, isn’t it? I’m learning more and more that it is one heck of an adventure. It’s one that is full of much more than I could have ever prepared for. There is nothing that I could have thrown into a suitcase that would have made me more ready for this journey. You can’t look at life like you look at the weather channel (Ray’s Weather, for all of you Boonies out there). It’s been raining a lot, as it always seems to do in Boone. However, a quick look at the weather app on your smartphone or a double check of booneweather.com gives fair warning to this perpetual pouring. And with that warning, if you’re smart, you’ll pack a raincoat or umbrella when you leave for the day. Prepared. When the storm comes, you’re ready. You may not need your rain gear for very long because sometimes the storm is merely a sun shower, but either way, you’re ready.
But like I said, life can’t be managed that way. You can’t shield yourself from life like you can from the rain. Now, don’t mistake this post for a “woe is me, life is hard” post. Sometimes the showers of life, though unexpected, are refreshing, beautiful, and much needed. But no matter the kind, you have to let them fall. This is something that I need to continually remind myself of. “You can’t shield yourself from life, Jayna.” And that’s okay. But of course, I want to. I want to figure life out so that way I can manipulate it, control it, and then live it the way i want to.
And that’s what I’ve realized about how I too often view God. I want to figure Him out fully and wholly, completely and totally. Yes, there is a part of me that wants to know Him simply because my heart desire’s Him (the heart He transformed, that is. Remember…I’m naturally/totally depraved). But there’s a part of me that wants to know God’s character so that I know the answer to the age-old, christian-schooled, sunday morning question, “WWJD?” I don’t really like that question, but that’s a blog post for another time. What about the question, “Who is Jesus?” A.W. Tozer once said, “What comes into our minds when we think about God is the most important thing about us.” It’s taking me some time to unwrap this question, but what a question it is!
I was talking to a dear friend earlier today and I said, “I wish that I so deeply desired God for who He is. I wish that I didn’t have an agenda, that my motivation for living was Christ and His character. Always. I wish that these issues of life didn’t distract me from who He is, ya know?” This comment was sparked by the topic of jealousy and pride. Two little devilish monsters that plague even the toddler’s of society. And that’s where Nick Jonas comes in.
About 24 hours ago, the youngest brother in the formerly famous band of brothers released a single called “Jealous.” (**Disclaimer: There’s actually another younger brother, Frankie, but he wasn’t in the band (The Jonas Brothers), so we’re not gonna count him. Yes, I was a huge JB fan back in the day. Yes, I own almost all of their albums, including the one from their TV show on Disney Channel. What of it?). The song is great! I’ve listened to it way more times than I’d like to admit, and remember it’s been out for barely 24 hours. The song is basically about the admittance of being jealous in a relationship. The reason for this jealousy is because the “girlfriend” is so sexy and beautiful that everyone pines after her. That being said, Nick (assuming the song is about him personally), understands why everyone wants this girl. He doesn’t want to make a scene or be disrespectful, but he says, “it’s my right to be hellish, I still get jealous.” I love this line because of how honest it is and how twisted it is. Truthfully that’s how the whole song is, honest and twisted.
Let’s think for a minute, how often do we find ourselves thinking, “It’s my right to feel like this,” or “It’s my right to act this way?” Probably too often, right. So, the first part of this lyric is the blunt, initial reaction we have when jealousy stirs us. Now, how many of us openly and truly admit to getting or being jealous in certain situations? Probably not too many of us. In essence, the second part of this lyric is the admittance of why Nick (and you and I ) feel like it’s our “right to be hellish.” HONESTY. But here’s the thing, It’s not actually our right to be hellish, especially when it’s in regards to another person. TWISTED. In the first verse of the song, he sings “…Am I crazy? Have I lost ya, even though I know you love me? Can’t help it.” It’s this brutally beautiful honesty, but it’s covered up by the classic “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be possessive, I’m just jealous,” answer. Covered by that, good music, a catchy tune, and an extremely attractive man singing. 😉 But there’s no solution. There’s no, “I might be a bit too possessive, but it’s because I’m jealous. Even still, I shouldn’t act this way. I should trust you and work on my own insecurities.” That wouldn’t sell, would it?
Truth be told, I wouldn’t have thought so much about the lyrics of the song if I didn’t find myself so deeply identifying with it. I’m not in a relationship or anything, but jealousy can permeate into so many other areas of life–intelligence, beauty, friendships, wealth, personality, talent, etc.
So, this is what I’m thinking. My particular rains of life have revealed my jealousy as it pertains to particular areas of my life. And I can’t hide from that. But simply saying, “Sorry, I’m just jealous.” isn’t going to cut it. That statement is a start, but it still gives me control. Admitting that I’m jealous draws attention to whatever I’m jealous for or whatever I’m jealous of. Either way, my attention goes to something or someone other than Christ. There shouldn’t be a period after “Sorry, I’m just jealous,” the sentence isn’t over.
What does my jealousy say about my view of Christ?
What does my pride say about my view of Christ?
What does my worry say about my view of Christ?
Neither my pride, worry, nor my jealousy mitigate who Christ is, though. I can’t limit Him. But, as His daughter, I want my actions to be a reflection of His character. But, first, I must know what that character is for the sake of His character. Because as always, it’s not about me.
[Lord, who are You? Show me more and more of who You are everyday.]