Well, my second week of July is rearing a close and what do I have to show for it? A lot of thought. And thought isn’t something you can see, so I guess I don’t really have anything concrete to display. However, something I do have is a question–several, actually–but for the sake of time I’ll just focus on one.
“What am I waiting for?”
Vague, I know. But let me explain.
Summer is zooming by and that means the imminent approach of the beginning of my senior year of college will be here before I know it. Along with this approach comes the daunting expectation of having a plan. And not just any plan, friends, the “ultimate plan.” You know, the one that you have saved in your back pocket, ready to pull out when friends, relatives, even random strangers ask you that ever pressing question, “so what are you doing after you graduate?” Yup, the very one.
But you see, I don’t have a plan. And when I use those 5 words as my answer to the daunting question, the rejoinder always seems to be, “Well, you know that’s okay…you have time to figure it out.” That response should be comforting, but as of lately it’s not. Indeed, I want to have a plan, an idea, a something for the future, but I don’t…
So that brings me back to my original question: “What am I waiting for?”
My answer? I don’t know.
No, I’m not saying that I don’t know what my answer is. “I don’t know” is my answer. I seem convinced that I’m not ready to figure things out yet. I am terrified to take steps in a direction that could potentially affect the rest of my life. I am confused as to when the next chapter in my life suddenly wasn’t school anymore. I remember being in Mrs. Buckett’s 5th grade class and thinking to myself, “Man! 9th grade. That’s so big, it’s gonna take FOREVER to get here.” Now, here I am ready to start my last year of schooling. Ever.
I know I’m not alone in this, and that for those of you that find yourselves in my same position, I’m sure this will sound redundant. But let’s face it, the future is a popular, scary, near, and hot topic these days.
The conflict, as a young adult Christian, is trying to discern where my heart is telling me to go from where the Lord is telling me to go. I feel like so many young Christians say things like, “Yeah, well I want to do this, but I’m praying about it.” So let me ask, are you really? Are you earnestly seeking the Lord and reading His word? Are you actively spending time communing with the Savior in order to hear His voice? I know I’m not. At least, not as much as I should be. [Much of this reason is because of horrible indwelling sin, but that’s a post for another time.]
So what am I waiting for? The Lord. But you see, I need to wait on Him, not for Him in this case. The Lord is near and He is ready and willing to ease my fears and direct my path if I’ll take the time to listen.
The beautifully haunting thing about the future is that it’s out of my control. Coupled with that is the fact that the Creator of the universe has also selected to bless me with certain gifts, unique to me, that can be used to glorify Him. But I can’t be idle. I could just continue to sit and wait in this state of what seems like “pre-adult limbo,” or I could make moves and press toward the calling I for my life as a follower of Christ. It’s the same calling that all believers of Jesus have on their lives, “to love God & enjoy Him forever.”
So I guess I’m not waiting for anything, I already have the tools I need to turn my waiting into action. What am I going to do after I graduate, then? “Love God and enjoy Him forever.”
[Lord, may I abound in the grace & knowledge of You. Thank you for the fact that You have not given me a Spirit of fear. Help me to choose joy. Remind me of what it is that I’m supposed to do.]