It’s roughly 12am, I’m alone in my room, I’m eating Nutella out of the container (by the spoonful), and I need to process some things. My body is aching for me to go to sleep, but my mind has other plans. If you know me, or have read any of my other posts, you know that I think a lot. It’s a beautifully messy thing.
I’m currently working a job that leaves little time for personal thought. In essence, I am going, going, going from about 7:45am to 11pm. There are breaks in between, but during those breaks I am usually doing something that is more or less mind numbing because the rest of my day is so thought intensive. I love it. I wouldn’t trade it for anything, but I’ve found that my mind lately is combatting its usual ability to ignore personal thought and is trying to breech the surface of my brain with an onslaught of endless questions, scenarios, and situations of the like.
Nothing is really going “wrong” in my life right now.
I don’t really have anything that I can truly complain about.
Overall, things are going well.
But my brain won’t calm down. My thoughts will start at point A and make a circular shape toward point B, but they never actually reach point B. This continues for a while and along the way my thoughts will pick up other thoughts, so this semi-circle gets bigger and longer each time. However, the circle is never completed…
**side note: Nutella & Sam Smith radio at 12am is a beautiful thing. Y’all should check that out some time.**
I’m content. Sort of. It’s weird. I’ve felt like the entirety of my past year of college has been one ‘big problem” after the next. It was easy to pick out life lessons and process certain things because my “issues” were so obvious. Right now, they’re more subtle–well, at least that’s what I’ve come to realize. To the naked eye, it looks like I’ve got all my ducks in a row 😉 (unless you’re one of the few that can see straight past my facade).
But who am I trying to fool? Why am I trying to fool anyone?
I recently read The Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis, at the recommendation of a good friend. **PSA: If you haven’t read this book, READ IT!** I don’t want to give anything away because the book is one that not only needs to be read, but experienced while it is read. However, there is one particular scene between two characters that got me thinking.
Essentially, Character 1 knows something that Character 2 doesn’t. Character 1 knows that Character 2 needs to get to this particular point. The way to get there is through self exposure. Character 2 needs to be vulnerable, she needs to “put herself out there,” but she is afraid.
She says, “But they’ll see me.”
Character 2 responds by saying, “What does it matter if they do?”
What does it matter if people see me? What does it matter if people recognize that I’m not perfect? What does it matter if not everyone knows my name? What does it matter if people observe that I make mistakes? What does it matter if people see my flaws, my scars, my fears, my doubts? What does it matter?
I’m not concerned with what people think of me. I’m afraid of what people thinking of me. I’m concerned with the weather, I’m not afraid of it. Opinions have too often crippled me with darts of shame and lies; neither the rain, nor the sun has ever done that.
And how foolish it is of me to run around the cross instead of running to the foot of the cross. Even this post, as marvelous as it is that the Lord has blessed me with the ability to verbally process, is mud in comparison to the refreshing water that is a conversation with Jesus. Why am I even typing? What is the end goal?
[Jesus, I’m not even entirely sure what to pray. But I need You more and more everyday. Help me.]