Ramblings & Reminders

Duck #30

It’s June. Y’all, summer is really here. It’s so weird to me that summer is in session, because there’s a part of me that feels like I’m still waiting for it. There’s a part of me that still feels like I have to do something in order to enjoy what’s coming. There’s a part of me that still feels like what’s in front of me isn’t really there, so I shouldn’t hold on to it.

And that’s when I have to be reminded.

Sometimes I have to be reminded by the words of a peer.
Sometimes I have to be reminded through sharing an experience with friends.
Sometimes I have to be reminded in the rhythm of the rain.
Sometimes I have to be reminded by the sky: the sun, the stars, the clouds.

Needless to say, I’ve needed to be reminded recently. I too often forget that my life is not my own. Yes, I am responsible for my actions, but ultimately my future is not in my hands. I think that’s the part that gets me the most. More often than I’d like to admit, I am too busy trying to act a certain way in order to effect my future. The biggest way in which I do this is via living for other people.
I’ve said it time and time again, but I care way too much about what other people think of me. Ever since I’ve realized how much I struggle with this, it’s been a lot easier to identify moments where this force is strong, but it’s become harder to combat. I don’t know if I thought that as soon as I recognized the problem I’d be able to spray some “weed killer” on it & get rid of those prideful dandelions of mine, but that’s not how it works.

I so desperately want people to see me as strong, because I often feel too weak to handle things.
I so desperately want people to see me as kind, because sometimes my thoughts aren’t.
I so desperately want people to see me as wise, because truthfully I don’t know as much as I think.

But here’s the thing. I am strong, I am kind, and I am wise. I’m not any of these things by my own accord, but rather because Jesus has graciously bestowed these things upon me. And I have to be reminded that when people see good qualities in me, it’s because Jesus wants them to be seen. I don’t have to shy away from the positivities in me. To hide from them and constantly focus on the negative is to discredit my Savior.

There has to be a balance. It’s one I’m still struggling to find.
The adventure of finding this balance is both exciting and terrifying.
But the reminders that help me along the way are too sweet & I cherish them whenever they come. They’re the types that force me to take a step back & look at things from a broad perspective. They’re the types that often take my breath away. Usually, I would hate to need to be reminded of something so much, but when I stop and think about it, I’m really thankful that I get to be continually reminded.
I need the reminders.
I need the push to keep going.

[Jesus, thank You for continuing to be patient with me & constantly reminding me of who I am, but more importantly who You are.]
❤ Amen

 

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