It’s Fine

It's Fine

Duck #14 (A picture of sand & rocks. Why? Because when you type “relax” into the Google search bar, that’s what comes up…)

Anyone ever heard the phrase: “It’s fine.”? Yeah, I’m sure everyone can raise there hand on that one. Or, if you’re like me and love to apply emojis to real life, you can insert the girl with her hand raised. Either way, you know the phrase. Sometimes, it’s applied in a situation when you’re doing something that you’re either a) not really proud of b) unsure of or c) a situation where you might be viewed as weird
But let me ask, who exactly are you trying to convince…yourself, or someone else? I’d probably have to go with the former. At least, that’s who I’m most often trying to convince. While I am plagued with the infectious disease of caring how others view me, I also deeply and vainly care about what I think of myself.

Aren’t we supposed to care for ourselves?
What’s wrong with that, Jayna?

Yes, we are supposed to care for ourselves. But the problem lies within the fact that we (I) am so paranoid about not being able to feel good about myself that I often do things just to say that I did them. It’s fine.

Let me explain.
One major area in my life that I repeatedly try to convince myself is “fine” would be the area known as school work.
As a student that prides herself in doing well academically, I consistently find myself thinking that I haven’t done enough work. If I have studied from 4-8pm, I’ll convince myself that it is too early to go to bed and thus will stay up until midnight or later so that I can earn sleep. Even if I don’t get an assignment completely finished in the extra 4 hours after 8pm at least I will be able to say that I was working for 8 hours. And if I can say that I worked for 8 hours then, it’s fine. Whatever happens, happens.
The fact of the matter is, I REALLY care. I care TOO much. That is why I will spend hours in the library working. I work because I care.

It’s not fine.

However, I will say that it IS fine, I will say that I don’t find my identity in school (which I don’t, but sometimes search in that area), but I only say that to other people. I can only say “It’s fine” if I have put in enough work to convince myself that I’ve earned the right to say, “It’s fine.” It’s ridiculous logic when I try to explain it, I know. But it’s true. And to think, this thought emerged as I was crying to my professor earlier today about working hard in her class, but not working hard enough. Oh, Yeah…this was right after I told her that I’m trying to not find my identity in school. (LOL! *it’s an ironic out loud laughter*)
I’ll even pride myself in going to bed at 2 or 3am. Because that’s what you do in college, right? That’s how you show that you’re a hardworking student, right? That’s how you convince yourself that you’re doing the college thing correctly? That’s how you get other people to sympathize with you and affirm the fact that “it’s fine”?

No, No, No, No.
The Lord specifically calls us to cast our burdens on Him, to lay our cares at His feet. He entreats us to come to Him to find rest, to allow him to fight for us. But we don’t. I don’t. I work until there’s nothing left (and still don’t think I’ve worked enough) before I consider allowing the Lord to guide me even in the seemingly menial area of my life centered around school.

I’m power hungry. I am my own worst enemy. I love to hear my voice more than the Lord’s.
But you know what? The Lord is SO gracious. He is SO loving. He is SO merciful and kind. He is SO good. He takes what I think is “fine” and turns it into something unbelievably beautiful. And the best part about the process is that I don’t have to work for it.

[Jesus, THANK YOU.]
❤ Amen

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